There was always a hint of caution in his breath. The mind’s eye always watching, measuring, correcting. D always felt like he wasn’t fully fully into a moment. He wanted to submit more to life but he was always blocked by a persistent to do list. Or an interruption he’d pay more attention to than the present moment.
He always felt like he was cheating on his future by being more present. And tonight was no different. As their lips met, he was reminded of an email to a client he hadn’t sent. And he imagined the client’s reaction even as her tongue gently meandered into his mouth. It annoyed him even as nudged himself to be in the now.
He was finally drawn back into the moment but by now S had tuned out. She’d kissed better. Now they both sat next to each other awkward smiling making hesitant small talk.
He wasn’t bringing up any of his inner things. It was too internal he thought, too much of his own vicious battle with himself. Too fragile.
And yet, he blurted out, “It’s hard for me to be here, in the moment. It’s been a struggle for very long, S” and that’s it he said it after which he felt a long loss for words.
In that quiet, S looked at him, smiled, and held his hand. She pressed against his fingers and gently rubbed his back.
Thank you, said D.
May be all he needed was to say this to someone.